Monday, February 14, 2005

 

INFINITE PURDIESTNESS GIRL DAY

Yes, today was Infinite Purdiestnness Girl day. On this special day, I like to make sure that my infinite purdiestness girl knows that she is the purdiestness and that she is correct to demand many kisses and hugs and wuvs. What I like best about Infinite Purdiestnesss Girl day is that I can celebrate it tomorrow, too. And the next day. Every day is Infinite Purdiestness Girl day. This makes me very happy.

Theognome

Sunday, February 13, 2005

 

AN EXPATRIATES VIEW

Let me welcome myself to Missouri. When I crossed the border, there was a sign that read, 'Welcome to Missouri'. Note that when I left California, there was a sign that read, 'You'll be back!'.

A side bar- Since I still have California plates on my car, I should get myself a bumper sticker that reads, 'My governor can beat up your governor!'.

In addition to the afore mentioned, I'd like to list some other subtle differences I've noticed between the two planets:

One of my earliest experiences almost caused me to adhere to Premillenial Dispensationalism. White fluffy stuff began to fall from the sky. It didn't taste like manna, and it was icy cold. The sky was gone, having been replaced with a somewhat light grayish palate that dumped this stuff everywhere. Snow, they called it. It looked like a rapture of some kind to me.

Rivers. In Southron California, a river is a straight concrete ditch full of weeds and trash. Here, water seems to just sit in the naked earth, meandering where ever it will. It's so... so... Un-natural.

Back in the People's Republic, a building built out of red bricks would have a sign over it that reads, 'Condemned!'. The building codes are quite strict about this. You can only build with re-enforced brick, since red brick won't survive an earthquake. I come out here, and almost every single building is made out of stuff that will fall down at a moment's notice, including my own residence. I'm not used to the idea of immobilized earth. Or the idea of tornadoes, for that matter. Did I spell that right, Dan?

Traffic doesn't exist here. Oh, the locals will beg to differ, but they have not likely driven in and around LA. I'd guesstimate there's about 1/20'th the cars on the road. And, since there are not as many cars to dodge, you really don't need to know how do drive to get around. I have never seen such a display of driving idiocy as I have getting around this place. Drivers like that in LA become drive-by road rage victims. Sometimes they do so here as well.

No one ever in the state of California struck up a conversation with me by asking if I was also a sportsman and what kind of guns I owned. No one here has struck up a conversation by asking if I also surf and what kind of boards I have.

This whole winter thing. This whole weather thing. I only know two seasons: Summer, and hot summer. Drought. Lizards doing pushups on rocks. Desert. That's my climate. Why talk about the weather? It never changes, anyway. Not in Kansas City, buckaroos. I have heard more than a few times from total strangers that if I don't like the weather, just wait fifteen minutes- it will change. Forecasters duke it out with grandma's rheumatism in media bloodbaths. People on the street talk about the weather as if it is dynamic and unpredictable. Chaos reigns. I went to the local Home Depot and explained the situation. There exists in California an exterior thermostat. You see, an interior thermostat controls the climate inside your house, so obviously, an exterior thermostat could make it not so blasted cold. I was informed that although they did carry them in stock, the gas bill from getting the city up to my standards was more than I could afford in ten lifetimes. Sigh... I must put up with cold and universal madness.

Of course, the folks around and about me can see at a glance that I'm totally un native. Shivering in 30 degrees while dressed like the Michelin Man. Add this to a 'deer in headlights' glaze at all the change and I'm an easy mark.

Theognome
 

A NEW MACHINE

it was mentioned in a comment below that $400.00 at circuit city would solve my computer problems. Nay, it took more than that. For my newest endeavor, a lap top with some appreciable proccessing power was needed. some $1200+ later, I now posess a device that can not only do stuff that I never thought of, but more importantly can actually do the task that I need a computer to do: run my favorite games.

Seriously though, my last computer was a two-bit special, and I did get what I paid for. It did basic stuff, but was woefully underpowered.

The new one is a Compaq 2ghz p4 machine with 512 ram, dvd/cd burner and all the various other bells and whistles. yay.

Theognome

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